a month....

Has it really been a month since I have posted. It isn't like nothing has happened and I had nothing to say or pictures to post...it is that we have had so much going on and I just haven't been making the time.

Carter, at the moment is in Florida with my parents for his 13th vacation. He has had a blast. A magic game, blue man group, disney quest, typhoon lagoon, ripley's, holy land, wind tunnel skydiving, flying a plane...it has been an adventure. I can't wait for him to get home and see all the pictures I had threatened my parents to take. I just LOVE that they get to experience these things. My dad (KING OF FUN) and mom make sure that these trips are just what each grand kid chooses. They makes sure they do things that appeal to them. It is wonderful. I have missed Carter and can't wait to see him. Easter felt so different with one of my children missing.

I need to get back into a routine of posting here, so I will make it my goal to get organized and on it. I look back on pictures and see all that has happened and the only thing I can say is WOW...our life is crazy. Our mechanic, Tracy Sweet, is in shock every time he has to change the oil every 4000 miles..which is about 1 1/2 months..I am not kidding. It is INSANE. I am thankful for my kids, and the ability I have to run them to all the fun activities they get to do. Josh is a trooper and supportive of all the kids and their interests and activities. He gets to do plenty of running himself.

Life is crazy, insane,stressful (at times), busy - but there is lots of laughter, smiles and fun along the way.

Normal

I am actually in the middle of blogging some pictures of Carter from football this year. Yes, that is how far behind I am. I have heard it said that women are like a river..the past, present, and future all flow together..so my reasoning is..am I really behind?

ANYWAY, as I was working on it I started to think about a few things. I have said several times this last week. "I am trying to get back to my normal" What does that even mean? I have NO idea. I can tell you that with all the chaos of the school situation, things have just been OUT OF CONTROL! I am ready to have "normal" days, "normal" conversations, a "normal" handle on my emotions.

Paige is finally doing better. It has been a long road and there are many obstacles still, but for the first time in a long time,I have some peace. I know we will look back on this situation and probably never laugh, but celebrate that we all survived. We are blessed with a wonderful family, great friends, a wonderful church family, teachers - I don't want to forget that.

So back to the NORMAL...

normal
Definition
nor·mal

1. usual: conforming to the usual standard, type, or custom (this is what I totally need to get back to. Normal days filled with normal activities. I think I will enjoy cleaning..haha. But, I would like to feel like I am prepared for a day and know what the heck is going on around me)

2. healthy: physically, mentally, and emotionally healthy (this is what the WHOLE family needs right now. It is insane how it not only changed Paige, it changed ALL of us. The stress level rose by 100 percent and we all felt the toll and STILL are on many levels)

3. occurring naturally: maintained or occurring in a natural state (maintaining normalcy..count me in)

Music

I think every song was written for me.

I can't tell you the number of times my kids have heard "oh this is my new favorite song" We have music we use to clean to..usually has some Kesha, some Usher, some Jay Sean, some Stars..you get the idea :)

Then there is music that I call my mantra songs. I usually have a different one each day. To become the mantra, they must be listened to 72 times in a day. It is the message I use for the day to motivate me, encourage me, or my what I am feeling at that time. I say it changes daily, but there are songs that stay for weeks sometimes..The song right now is Your Hands by JJ Heller.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9YiULD_Ng8o

I have unanswered prayers
I have trouble I wish wasn't there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That You would take my pain away

I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crookedly lie
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands

When You walked upon the Earth
You healed the broken, lost, and hurt
I know You hate to see me cry
One day You will set all things right

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands

my little actors :)

Missoula was so much fun. I love seeing my girls on stage. They have so much talent. Seeing Mia come out on stage and dance did nothing but put a smile on every persons face. There were a lot of dust bunnies, but Mia was one of two that had a speaking part and individual lines. The director told me in all his years of this, he has never had one of his "peewees" forget their part and say "LINE". He said he and the other director looked and each other with awe.

Paige..is well Paige. Amazing. I was told by a few people "what a presence she has on stage" and "what a voice she has" and she does. I saw more laughter, more joy, and more peace from her when she was at practice and performing that I have in a long time. It was fun.

Tonight, as I reflect on the day, many things cross my mind. I keep typing and deleting. I am famous for it. I do it on Facebook. I do it when I text. I do it in emails.

Does this mean I am censoring myself to make it appear like I have only nice things to say? maybe.

Does this mean that I would like to think everything is peachy and don't want to say otherwise? maybe.

Does this mean that I have ADD and 8 million thoughts are racing all at once and I can't process them all through - and couldn't even begin to write them all down because I would have to stop the process? FOR SURE.

Here are the thoughts of the moment.

-Why had my dog been whining all day? I have heard her whine more today than I have ever heard her whine in her 3 yrs of life.

-Why is my house never all the way clean? Where do all the things come from? I am a packrat..well, a Hunter and Gatherer sounds better.

-I wonder how Carter will do at his tournament this weekend, and why did he chose Venezuela for his social studies project. I am sick of Venezuela.

-If Mia really does sleep in her room for two weeks in a row, I will have to get her a guinea pig and I really don't want to.

-Why does Kain go through shoes at twice the rate Carter does? Why does he think it is funny to use poop in sentences?

-I am itchy

-What if I took Skippy Jon Jones to the vet (which I need to because we haven't since we adopted him) and found out he was a SHE?

-Paige. She is on my mind all the time lately. Does this mean I haven't been making time for anything else? Are my other kids suffering? Are we going to come out of this on the other side? When will that be? What can I do to help? How can I fix this?

My overall answer to most of my questions. I don't know, and No you can't fix it.

So where does this leave me? Doing what I am doing right now. Typing and Deleting. Questioning and Wondering.

I hear Mia's footsteps. Guinea Pig question postponed a little longer. :)

I am blogging to..

1. not clean my house
2. not make supper
3. get my mind on something else.

Here is what I would like. One day. One day with no school truama. One day with no new issues. One day with no dirty looks, comments, issues from this same group of girls. One day where Paige would see how stupid they are. One day where Paige would look at herself and see she is the one who is okay and will come out on the other end okay. I am tired. Tired of the fight. Tired of the drama. Plain old tired.

Ok. Got that off my chest. Whew. What a weekend. Missoula was awesome. The kids had a good weekend - fun with friends. I didn't do much, except we did do some cleaning yesterday. It was long overdue, and I have so much more to do.

We went and looked at a house last night in Byron. Byron..I know, but we thought it may just be the answer to some prayers. We got more info tonight - Not enough square footage and not the right price. We will keep looking, or be content here (which I am) This house has a lot of work to be done, but it feels like home. So much of our childhood and now our kids are wrapped up into this house. It feels right to me.

If I would somehow become an organzied person it would be the answer to all my problems..hahaha. If only.

Friday

Today was a day off from school. Hooray. Kain went snowboarding with Dylon. He had a blast. They rode the magic carpet up and boarded down over and over. Carter went to Heny's then to the games. The girls had play practice (tomorrow is the big day) After Mia's practice, we worked on some Valentines for the grandparents..we need to finish those tomorrow :) We then got Paige, and got ready for JV basketball. We met Cindi there and watched a game. Left the boys there,and the girls came home. Rough for Paige, but we got through it.

Dana, Franko and I went to the movie Valentines day. I loved it. It made me think about Valentines day. I realized I have worked on so many other projects, that I don't have everything ready for my kids. I guess that is what tomorrow is for. :) After haircuts and 2 performances, of course. Part of the movie took place in a flower shop,and it reminded me of fun times in Dana's flower shop. When you walked in the back door, you would be overwhelmed with the smell of flowers. There would be containers of them everywhere. It was delightful. There was always the bustle of hundreds of orders and of course the "last minute men" begging for arrangements. We always told stories about what we thought they were doing, where they were going, and who they were for. It was a happy time, although you left there never wanting to smell a flower again.

I look at flowers now and honestly think "waste of money" but then, I was captivated by flowers. Now I think more practical. It is funny how time changes you.